Friday, May 28, 2010


I was talking to someone the other day who related the story of a person who had lived their life loudly being one way, only to suddenly change directions and begin living loudly in a directly opposite fashion. This person made the statement "Some people are such hypocrites."

While I do agree that the world is full of hypocrites, I began to wonder later if that wasn't perhaps a bit mis-stated. Think about it. We say or hear all the time that life is a journey; that we are each a work in progress. We hope to be progressing forwards but at times we all slide backwards a bit instead. If the person in the scenario had a true change of heart, sudden or not, and was living better isn't that evidence of a person in progress instead of a hypocrite?

Anyway, I know that I have come through changes in my life, and that things I felt strongly about before I now feel strongly about, but differently. Perhaps we are a little hypocritical, but as long as we are genuine and honest each moment, that hypocrisy is probably more evidence of a person in transition than anything else. I for one will work harder today to choose to see the changing person rather than get a chip about everyone for every little thing. :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mom stuff, Kid stuff, Earth stuff :)

**Mom stuff... I'm pooped! ha ha I have been working on wrapping up our first-ever school year as a family, researching and putting my all into the process of deciding to build a home, scouring through bills and potential bills and carriers for prices and estimates and also well, you know... all the other typical mom stuff.

When we began home school it was with preschool in 2008 and was sooo easy! We went into kindergarten and suddenly, poof, tons of paperwork involved as well as lots of mom-hours (instead of man get it? hehe) spent reading and writing instructions so I could then write up 185 days of nine subjects, so I could then grade each, record progress etc, etc, etc.

**Kid stuff... age five ushered in talking. I am not referring to learning to speak, I am talking about real, all-the-time talking!!

I always appreciated that my daughter was never a simple 'why' child; that she has always asked instead really informed and complicated questions for a child her age. I took it as a sign of intelligence. I still do. Somewhere in there though, I began to notice that other girls seem to talk more and more the closer they get to the age of seven until it is intense, in-your-face all the time yap, yap, yapping about everything under the sun.

I crossed my fingers and hoped with all my heart but no, age five hit and so did 24-hour talking. I think it is amplified by my daughter being an 'only', because there are no siblings to take the brunt of her chatter. There is also no daddy until evening hours so all day there is just me!! More and more often lately she walks right up to me, presses in close and... you get it, TALKS!! It is non-stop, and while adorable by the time I have been alone in chatter central for eleven hours straight, I could willingly yank a few hairs from my own scalp and run away screaming! (Aren't you glad mommies run this sort of insanity daily through a mental shredder and start fresh so we don't actually do these things!?!?!)

Combine mom stuff and kid stuff, with the stress (albeit the good kind) about moving, schooling and preparing for both of those items to hit again in a big way a few short months from now and... well, Mommy could really use a break!  lol  Not a long one. I would miss my precious angel oh-so much and that non-stop chatter being suddenly swapped for dead silence would probably get to me too. *Shrugs shoulders 'what can ya do' style and chuckles*

**Earth stuff... Several months back I learned about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, located in the Great Pacific Gyre. One of many videos on this subject It was devastating! I had already wondered how beneficial it would be for us to live more responsibly, but that gave me a stronger sense of urgency.

Whether or not you believe it is true, a bad thing, or that we are personally being affected; regardless how you feel about the environment in general, this much trash in God's ocean is unacceptable! 

I do not buy for a moment that caring about the Earth is a political or lost vs. saved issue, or that it means believing in global warming. Bear in mind that when God gave Adam (and thus, mankind) dominion over the Earth, He also gave knowledge for the care of it. God made the world, whole and beautiful. The only 'bad' things He himself created into the world were weeds and thorns stated to be man's laboring punishment for sin. True to the nature of man, our tending of the Earth has decomposed along with our morals, conscience, sense of obligation to each other etc.

We will not be the cause of the destruction of planet Earth, but only because God has laid out how He will bring about the end of the world. That said, I do believe that we are to be good stewards. (plenty of verses on that) I also think that the less of any toxins we can use, the better. I am about sick of finding out that toys, food packaging etc has been made with toxins! We just don't need it!

Hopping off my soapbox soon, I will say that I was relieved to learn that our family carbon footprint is rather small, and that we will be able to make it even smaller soon. What that translates to in Christian terms is that we will inhabit this planet in a somewhat more Adam-like fashion. I will never value a tree over the eternal soul of man, but I do believe there is nothing wrong with living responsibly through better habits even while you fight the good fight, as they say.

Now, time to move back into Mom stuff and get dinner on.    :0)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Even lazy days make me sleepy. :)

Today was good all around, though it seemed both long and short. Short because I got to leave the house today to go in and choose out the colorings for our new home. (More on that in a minute!) Long because of course, I cannot seem to go anywhere without wreaking havoc on my pain-levels, my stature (spine), and without becoming just bone-tired afterwards. To be fair, the tiredness was probably related to the night spent not sleeping (for excitement and angst) and losing the chance to keep trying to sleep when the alarm rang at 7 o'clock!

I have written in this blog (on my former site) that I wish to be open, even frank, about what it is like to live with chronic intense pain. I also state that I am an open book... because of that I will get vulnerable for a moment and describe for you the state of mind I was in before leaving this morning. 

Part of this long journey of spinal changes and health issues (all post-pregnancy *sigh*) has been a battle with weight gain. After my daughter was born I began to lose weight quickly (I weighed less after birth than I did pre-pregnancy), but also developed symptoms of depression. Imagine my relief when my doctor said that I was not depressed, just suffering the symptoms of "Pregnancy Thyroiditis"... also imagine my horror when he explained that other symptoms included weight loss reversing into rapid weight gain! ARGH! There was a treatment, but to have it I would have to quit nursing. This was my one chance - perhaps only chance - at having that bond with a baby, so I refused.

One hundred pounds later I was feeling shocked and in denial. In 2006 I learned that I had transitioned into flat-out hypothyroid and now weighed just over 400 pounds. I have not been weighed since, but given the progress of pictures of myself since then, I'd say I am still gaining. With no health insurance it is hard to find a treatment, and with genes that are already inclined to fatness with inactivity, all of this sitting around is literally layering me in more and more fat. (Frank enough?)

All that to say that I am generally 'okay' with who I am. However, I have noticed that when I come around people - especially at first meetings - their eyes widen and they stare hard at my eyes as if trying to avoid looking at my body and showing the feelings they are already betraying. That my friends, is an AWFUL feeling! So, the long and the short of it is that for a brief minute or two while washing my hair in the sink, I cried tears down the drain along with the soapy water. Anxiety had struck, vulnerability had entered and I succumbed.

That said, I did buck up and paint the old barn (literally), put on my church shoes and hose and wobbled out to the car to make the journey into the home building office. It was worth it! The sales manager, Matt, was very enthusiastic (My was he young!), kind and accommodating. He did not flash shock or repulsion when we met (Thank God!) the way the television teaches us to, and was kind enough to find me a chair without arms when I failed to be comfortable with only one 'cheek' planted in the small chair provided. We quickly engaged in discussion and that was the end of that - it all went smoothly from there!

Now, before I end this rather long and telling tirade, allow me to say as a woman of some (unwanted) girth... ALL chairs in places of business should be armless!! ha ha I know that some people think you can embarrass a heavy person right out of their 'morbid' obesity if you can shame them hard enough often enough... but for this chubby princess and others who cannot control their weight for legitimate reasons, in spite of eating well and not in excess, it is just another embarrassment that is not conducive to good self-esteem... that only leads to shame spirals and hermit-ness, not motivation. Nuff said!

On a final, more ironic note, I always hated fat people crying 'thyroid' but have been oh-so firmly put in my place! Wobble by me in all your heavy glory out in public and instead of smirking in my head I now think "Good for them, they are still using their own two legs!"  :0)

Great news on a birthday... :)

Yesterday my daddy turned 56. He's still the handsomest man I know (other than my hubby), and has held his age very well. (Not that he's even old yet! lol) In all his family he is the strongest and the best looking... in all the world, perhaps! But then, I am a notorious daddy's girl and even as an adult I value and appreciate my parents more every day; they really are the best a set of kids could ever have!

In addition to the day marking my father's birth, we also got some great news... we are officially going to buy/build our first home! Nothing major, but closer to hubs work and get this - cheaper! Who knew that it would one day be cheaper to build a home than to rent an apartment!?!

I not only look forward to getting the process started, finished and moving in, I also look forward immensely to never again having inspections! I did not mind the maintenance visits, and the lady who comes once a year to make sure we are not abusing the apartment or property is very kind and yet... and yet...

There is something intrinsically NOT MINE in having people stream through at will to maintain or inspect our living place. When we take possession and move into our home this fall it will be one thing, and one thing only... OURS. We will change our own heater, check our own smoke detector batteries and see to our own other maintenance issues. True, there will be no landlord to pay for it when the toilet seat unhinges or breaks or whatever, but those responsibilities are part of growing up and you know what? I believe we are quite ready! :)

*Tune in tomorrow when I am more 'awake' and can tell you the heart-load of praise, honor and glory I have to the Lord for this, as well as the most recent updates on our progress! :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

My Little Runaway...

Today held a mini emotional roller coaster for me, but it was one I kind of knew to expect... allow me to explain.

A few days ago (technically last week) my daughter was watching cartoons when one of them allowed a young character to make a remark about running away from home. Knowing how intelligent and perceptive my child is - and how children her age try on every little thing they see to find the feel of it (bad or good), I thought "Oh no. If she caught the meaning of that, this is likely to bite me in the bun down the road." 

I felt her out to see what she picked up (yes, she had gotten the gist of it) and explained to her that we do not solve our problems by leaving (in kid-friendly terms of course) and that children who run away are at risk of getting hurt. Hoping I patched the leak I let it go (you can't really harp on these things to a small child) and moved on. Then comes today...

I was on the phone with my mother when she walked into the kitchen. I turned to ask what she wanted to see her scaling and then sitting atop the cabinets/counter top. I told her to get down and please go to her room. She walked right back out of her room to talk (typically 'go to your room' means 5 minutes) about toys, pinching me hard on the arm with all four fingers and a thumb when I put up my 'shush, wait a minute' finger. Surprised, I frowned and shooed her back to her room. Out she came again, holding an art book. What was written on the clean, white page??

"I ran u-wae."

Now, I do give her credit for remembering the phonics lesson about ae making the long 'a' sound. However, as a generally lenient mother who's only offence was sending to her room (and having been pinched for my trouble), I was somewhat offended! If this is a bad living situation, imagine her living with any other more strict parent!

My shock must have shown on my face, because she began to cry and ran back to her room... only to come out with a cardboard Fancy Nancy game piece with "I am sorey" written across the back of the white board in pencil. I couldn't help but tell her I forgave her and that I always love her, no matter what. I did take the time to explain to her all over again that it is not funny or nice to say you will leave home if you get sent to your room or do not get your way, and that the world contains a lot of bad people who would not take as good care of her as mommy does because nobody in the world loves her as much as I do.

Even now I find myself a little disturbed at the thought. I know it is because the topic of running away has brushed my life one time in the past and was devastating. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know not to take that out on my little girl who was doing as all little children do at first; trying out something new to test the reaction she would get. Even so, the mother's heart in me cannot help but say a silent prayer that she will never feel the need to leave our home, even as I remind myself again what value there is in raising her well on purpose.

Tonight I look at that piece of paper and I can smile. Perhaps tomorrow I will laugh outright at the audacity of one so little for the mere infraction of asking her to go to her room! Either way, I will never do anything but praise the Lord for her presence in my life, and cherish her little friendship even as I snicker or get exasperated at her unexpected thoughts, phrases and actions while she feels her way around this big, wide world. :)