Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Even lazy days make me sleepy. :)

Today was good all around, though it seemed both long and short. Short because I got to leave the house today to go in and choose out the colorings for our new home. (More on that in a minute!) Long because of course, I cannot seem to go anywhere without wreaking havoc on my pain-levels, my stature (spine), and without becoming just bone-tired afterwards. To be fair, the tiredness was probably related to the night spent not sleeping (for excitement and angst) and losing the chance to keep trying to sleep when the alarm rang at 7 o'clock!

I have written in this blog (on my former site) that I wish to be open, even frank, about what it is like to live with chronic intense pain. I also state that I am an open book... because of that I will get vulnerable for a moment and describe for you the state of mind I was in before leaving this morning. 

Part of this long journey of spinal changes and health issues (all post-pregnancy *sigh*) has been a battle with weight gain. After my daughter was born I began to lose weight quickly (I weighed less after birth than I did pre-pregnancy), but also developed symptoms of depression. Imagine my relief when my doctor said that I was not depressed, just suffering the symptoms of "Pregnancy Thyroiditis"... also imagine my horror when he explained that other symptoms included weight loss reversing into rapid weight gain! ARGH! There was a treatment, but to have it I would have to quit nursing. This was my one chance - perhaps only chance - at having that bond with a baby, so I refused.

One hundred pounds later I was feeling shocked and in denial. In 2006 I learned that I had transitioned into flat-out hypothyroid and now weighed just over 400 pounds. I have not been weighed since, but given the progress of pictures of myself since then, I'd say I am still gaining. With no health insurance it is hard to find a treatment, and with genes that are already inclined to fatness with inactivity, all of this sitting around is literally layering me in more and more fat. (Frank enough?)

All that to say that I am generally 'okay' with who I am. However, I have noticed that when I come around people - especially at first meetings - their eyes widen and they stare hard at my eyes as if trying to avoid looking at my body and showing the feelings they are already betraying. That my friends, is an AWFUL feeling! So, the long and the short of it is that for a brief minute or two while washing my hair in the sink, I cried tears down the drain along with the soapy water. Anxiety had struck, vulnerability had entered and I succumbed.

That said, I did buck up and paint the old barn (literally), put on my church shoes and hose and wobbled out to the car to make the journey into the home building office. It was worth it! The sales manager, Matt, was very enthusiastic (My was he young!), kind and accommodating. He did not flash shock or repulsion when we met (Thank God!) the way the television teaches us to, and was kind enough to find me a chair without arms when I failed to be comfortable with only one 'cheek' planted in the small chair provided. We quickly engaged in discussion and that was the end of that - it all went smoothly from there!

Now, before I end this rather long and telling tirade, allow me to say as a woman of some (unwanted) girth... ALL chairs in places of business should be armless!! ha ha I know that some people think you can embarrass a heavy person right out of their 'morbid' obesity if you can shame them hard enough often enough... but for this chubby princess and others who cannot control their weight for legitimate reasons, in spite of eating well and not in excess, it is just another embarrassment that is not conducive to good self-esteem... that only leads to shame spirals and hermit-ness, not motivation. Nuff said!

On a final, more ironic note, I always hated fat people crying 'thyroid' but have been oh-so firmly put in my place! Wobble by me in all your heavy glory out in public and instead of smirking in my head I now think "Good for them, they are still using their own two legs!"  :0)

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