Saturday, February 19, 2011

Which brings us to today.

The last blog ran long, so there was not room to include what I am putting in this one.
 I did realize the negative way I was feeling and allowing my pain to guide my thoughts instead of living happily in spite of it. At the same time, the realization that the weather has been a chilly but tolerable temperature hit SO, my little sweetheart and I bundled up and went out to the back patio (?) to enjoy some evening sunshine and fresh air. Granted, it felt like fresh air you might find in a fridge, but a warm sweater, blanket and a pillow to prop my back on made it as nice as it could possibly be. Having the doggy snuggling in my lap didn't hurt either. ;)

It is impossible to breathe in my first fresh air since December 25th, laughing with my girl as she played back and forth and not feel better. 

When we came back inside we broke into my make up and took a ton of pictures for daddy ranging from 'okay' to outright nonsense! hehe We also took a picture of the rocks she had collected from the yard, and later daddy went out and took a nice picture of the full moon. :)

By supper and even now I can still feel the same grinding, BUT my heart is lighter and my outlook is better too. Both of those things make this a very good day!

Cheerleaders in the valley, which is sometimes actually just the floor. :)

The title of this blog is quite literal. I pulled my back a few days ago, and was trying to be and do extra within my home in spite of it. On Thursday this included cleaning up a puppy 'oops'.

I used to love sitting on the floor but at this point in life I am not really able to because it locks up my spine in a bad way. I already knew this, and was already trying to be gentle to myself after pulling my back but there hadn't been an accident on the carpet in some time and I was not about to leave this one there for DH to find when he got home. 

That was the easy part. Got it up and scrubbed but then faced what I feared. On turning to my knees to get up the whole lower of my spine locked into place, bones grinding on bones, and I stopped still. 

It is shameful and humiliating to admit that at this young age I can be stuck on the floor and unable to get up. That shame was magnified by my daughter's innocent, sweet and frequent requests to help me. The week had been rough enough to deal with that this brought me to a valley, spiritually and emotionally. 

"Why, Lord? Is there a reason my beautiful miracle of a daughter, so undeserved, has managed to get stuck with a mama she tries to help instead of someone active and exciting and well... someone NOT stuck on the floor?"

I managed to crawl over to the couch (don't ask how long it took) and propped there a minute, eyes squeezed shut in prayer and attempt not to let tears leak out the pain that my 'mommy voice', bright and gay, was hiding. My girl isn't stupid though, and offered to call daddy home to come pick me up. 

Flashbacks to the first time that ever happened (2007) flooded my mind along with images of the most recent time it happened before this and I just couldn't let it happen again. I am tired of being 'that' wife and 'that' mom, even if the stuck-on-the-floor episodes are not (thank God) a super-common occurrence. *You can imagine how I avoid the floor at all, can't you?*

I heaved upward, thought "I did it!" and collapsed back on the floor by the couch with an agonized but half-stifled groan. 

"God. I can't do this. I just can't do this anymore. HELP ME!"

Another heave, a little more caution as to where I placed my feet and then a huge gasp as I sat on the couch and my spine did this thing I relate to shattering glass. (It starts at the bottom, shatters all up through my back and ends with a searing neck pain that lasts for days. That's how it feels... I've no better way to explain it.) I bit my lip hard, to the cheers of my little girl, holding myself in place with fists punched hard into the couch cushions. 

"You did it, Mommy! You did it! I knew you could!"

Fast-forward to today and the wreck of self-recrimination, guilt and shame I have been since then. I came online to find kind notes of encouragement from friends and my sister, rich with kind and encouraging words I do not deserve. It did remind me of something, though. (Especially that note from big sis) The Lord does consider the sparrow and the lilies of the field, and He HAS put so much more time into  loving and caring for each of us than into them. It is amazing how often He must really think of us, and so touching that He cares about even the tiny or embarrassing details of our lives.

I guess my point is this. While the valleys we find ourselves cast down to in life (in my case being stuck on the floor triggering a lot of negativity) come in all different ways and circumstances, it is most helpful to remember the cheerleaders who are with you there in the valley. My little daughter, a spirit of kindness and joy if ever there was one. Friends, who see the quiet horror you feel and know the exact boost of encouragement you need. Best of all, the Maker of the lilies, the sparrows and yes, even me. 

This last week may have been a personal descent into a valley of sorts, but the grace of God has allowed me the kindness of friends, family and spiritual support that give me the wherewithal to toss out the negative and hike back up, so-to-speak. 

If you are one of those friends or family, I thank you wholeheartedly. If you are someone who happened by and are struggling in your own valley, I wish you'd drop me a note so I can cheer you on with my own prayers. God's love and the grace and kindness He bestows on us directly or through His children (or even strangers) must be passed along to others so that it continually grows. 

The next time I hit the floor (hopefully no time soon), I will try not to also hit the valley... and today? Well, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord! ;) God deserves at the very least my most whole efforts. So do my daughter, my family and my friends. ♥ ♥