Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday Blues

It is Sunday again and I am stuck at home alone with my dog and the ache in my heart. To be honest, I was throwing a little bit of a pity party about it earlier. I find myself saying such things as "This is not the life I planned. This is not the mother I want to be. This is not the Christian I want to be." 

It so hurts not to be in church flitting around between the piano, classrooms and the auditorium. It grates at my heart, my soul and my sense of self-worth to be trapped at home under this burden when I so need to be out with God's children doing the things I was born and bred to do. I am having a lot of trouble with it again lately. I put every effort I had into it this Spring and got back in a few times. I got out in the world a few times. I got knocked back off my feet with a thud, too. 

There are plenty of people who like to be home from church and think nothing of it, though they are able-bodied and capable of service on many levels. Then we flash back to me, with a full heart and I hope a generous spirit, and I am so very stuck here at home. My parents raised me not to cry 'not fair', not to question God. Even so, I have a hard time understanding why such a willing servant is not given a service. I want that ability back. I need it back.

Right now I have nothing left but to give the little I have, which at the moment just seems to be a heart-load of prayers. Sometimes it is okay to ask for those prayers in return, and while I am loathe to be a burden on anyone, I do need them. I cannot live like this - away from my family, away from the service of my God. I NEED to be in church. There is no other way to put it than that.

I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe we could find a church in town so the car trip is not an issue and so I can try more often to get in. I cannot take too many more Sunday's away from the House of God. I have to believe that He wants me in as much as we do, and will help us find a way. I do not want to have anymore Sunday blues.