Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Amazing Grace!!! (Wretch like me) lol

I have hit the point with the degeneration of my back and mobility where I just cannot live in denial any further. 

This week has been excruciating, and for four days in particular I could not sit, lie, stand or walk in any position whatsoever without crying out in pain. The nights dragged into the following mornings and I was just a mess of tears. One night in particular I told Chris I cannot take it, and instead of always putting it off hoping for the money to get myself checked out in one shot, I was finally ready to just be taken in and get looked at and be helped. As a forethought, I asked him to call the ER (it was around 3am) ahead to see if a person my size could be xrayed. Four hospitals and four rejections later I was more discouraged and humiliated than I have been in a long time. 

The next afternoon (yesterday) I also was finally ready to take the advice of others, who had also been encouraging me to get help no matter what. I keep hearing that Becka needs me to take care of myself and get help for my back, that I do make a difference in her life no matter how worthless I had allowed myself to feel. In the years since I have had her, everything has degraded but there was always another surgery for her or Chris in the beginning (two each right off the bat), and of course her immune issues and neurological tests and issues etc. I just believed there wasn't room for me in there, and frankly, I cared less about myself than either of them.

In 2008 after having experienced years rich with infertility, miscarriage, the hard pregnancy, labor and near-death, NICU, surgeries, illnesses, tests upon tests, loss of job and 9 months of living with other people followed by living in a so-tiny apartment where the devil's music was blasted over me day and night, I found myself depressed. At that point I would say that my depression came 100% from having been broken by life. So much happened so quickly to Chris and I that I simply was not able to keep up with processing it emotionally. 

I was fortunate to have a pastor who did not kick me out the back door for admitting and being diagnosed with depression.  (I have a huge sermon on that one, and on friends who cannot be there for you in your greatest hours of need.) On the contrary, he rallied around us with advice to listen to the doctors and take/stay on the medicine prescribed so I could get well. (I was having a chemical depression, which turned out easy enough to treat as long as I did not fight it.) That whole journey is another set of blogs altogether.

My point is, that was the only time I have seen a doctor in over five years, and also the last time. (I saw a chiro last year but even he couldn't help me w/out xrays etc. We built our house so put it all off for another year - I don't regret that. I love my new house!)

Now that my pain had reached an unending escalation this week I finally realized that Becka's immune system is better than ever and Chris is doing well with no sign of another surgery in sight. It actually struck me that it IS okay, for now, to take care of me. With some coaxing I called around and found insurance (just for me for now - will add Chris/Becka hopefully later when we can afford to). Not just insurance, but insurance within our budget that also happens to be very good!

We signed up today and in the coming weeks and months, Lord willing, I will get in to be xrayed and weighed, blood tested and otherwise supported in a process to hopefully ease my pain or maybe correct my spinal issues as well as a focus on finding out what I can do to lose weight without rupturing a disc or something in the process. 
So today again I experience the mountain! At the same time I experience the mountain from the viewpoint of the valley. I am not out of it yet. I am not 100% whole or healed yet, but by God's amazing grace I have something I did not afford myself in years... hope! Wonderful, blessed hope!

I will write again tomorrow and tell you the mechanics of today - that other thing which truly blessed me, and the inspirational advice of a dear friend that, I feel, is saving my life. :)